If You Can't Beat 'em, Leave 'em

The March 2nd issue of the New Yorker will feature an article by Ariel Levy called Lesbian Nation, detailing a lesbian separatist movement of the 70's called the Van Dykes. These women were no joke- they rejected their birth names (changed them all to Van Dyke), stopped talking to men, shaved their heads, drove across the country in vans and lived on America's highways (and YOU think you're extreme cuz you don't shave...tsk tsk).

To the Van Dykes, lesbianism wasn't just about sexual orientation, it was about political ideology. They were the antithesis of women who kept their sexual proclivities under wraps-- they were in your face, man-hating, bald, bar-brawling, sexual taboo lovin' women... basically embodying EVERY lesbian stereotype. I mean, if Melissa Etheridge was popular in the 70's, I'm sure Lamar Van Dyke would have her belting out of her car stereo, windows down.

While lesbian separatism seems like an extreme (who would write the articles I read in Details magazine then?), I do think some of that sense of adventure and creativity is missing from the lesbian community today. We need not be extreme to get noticed, maybe living our lives without reservation is statement enough...

L Word: LOVE it or LOATHE it

After 5 seasons, the first-ever lesbian drama is coming to a close. The L Word quickly became fabric of the lesbian community, with women gathering together in bars and living room floors on cold winter nights to watch their favorite storyline unfold. Whether you Loved it or Loathed it, the L Word gave lesbians something to talk about. That said, we will be Gather(ing) again late March in Park Slope to talk about what the L Word did for the community, and what is left to be desired.

We will be Gather(ing) on Sunday, March 22nd at
247 Prospect Ave (Priority Fitness) - Brooklyn at 6:30pm

Be there!

Read my interview with L Word cast member Daniela Sea >

If the "L Word" were on Facebook - from AfterEllen.com >

Same Sex. New York City.

We gathered again in November at Mixx Lounge in Manhattan to discuss what life is like for the single lesbian in New York City. Our panelists Sherry and Elisabeth talked about who they were looking for, where they were trying to her, and told some cautionary tales of experiences gone wrong.

Since NYC is one of the most queer friendly cities in the country, people may think that we have the lion's share of dating possibilities. Not necessarily so after talking to this panel.

It appears that regardless of sexual orientation, the challenge of finding someone to date and/or have a relationship with is just a feature of being human. Some women choose online dating sites like Match or CurveMag, and others do the legwork by showing up weekends at the few lesbian bars NYC has to offer (other smart ones come to Gather - awe yeah!).

I shared a website with the group of a woman who was raising money to buy ad space at the Superbowl to make an appeal for her man. "What do you do when you’re over the bar scene, when singles events are reunions of guys you’ve already dated, and online matchmaking turns up only a parade of losers and liars?" Apparently, the SuperBowl Single Girl thinks that you turn to one of the highest forms of self-promotion by taking out a very expensive ad. ((I don't think she did succeeded, but I hope she did find her football lovin' wing-eating face paintin' man))

Why Gather?

The lesbian community has always been a sort of an enigma to me. I've spent much of my life in two major cities, Chicago and New York City, and I assumed that if my community was anywhere, it certainly would have been thriving in either of those places. I'm not saying this wasn't the case, but I always left clubs or lesbian-themed events with, well, much to be desired.

I was astounded by how many women would show up at drag king events in Chicago…so much so that my friends and I would get turned away at the door due to impending fire hazards. Same case in New York. There was always that one event that women would flock to, again, and the success of the event measured by how much time we would have to spend waiting outside…watching friends meet up in line or lovers decide that they should have stayed home to cuddle.

Where did these women come from? How come I haven't seen them all under one roof? Furthermore, how could I assimilate myself into my own community without having to wait at the door?

I wanted to create a space that didn't have a night-club vibe, rather a vibe of informal inclusivity…where we all could participate and share. I wanted a space where we could discuss our lives, throw our cultural scripts on the table, tear them apart, piece them back together, and create something new. I wanted women my age to hang out, laugh, have a good time and essentially....gather.

Mary Oliver and Molly Malone Cook

I read one of Mary Oliver's poems at the first Gather out of her book Our World, which is just one of her many achievements. Molly Malone Cook, her partner who died in 2005, supplied the photography for this book. You really just have to read it.

Back in Chicago, I attended one of her readings at Northwestern University. Not being an overtly emotional person, I found myself crying at the end of her reading of Wild Geese. When it was my turn for a book signing, I approached the table and found myself speechless in front her. Oddly, my knees were shaking. She smiled warmly, signed my book, and simply thanked me for coming.

I always noticed that Mary Oliver dedicated so many of her poetry books to Molly, but I never knew she was her partner. Though they were never married (it wasn't legal and thus an option), Mary and Molly formed this beautiful partnership, as illustrated in text and images in Our World.

"We were talkers -- about our work, our pasts, our friends, our ideas ordinary and far-fetched. We would often wake before there was light in the sky and make coffee and let our minds rattle our tongues. We would end in exhaustion and elation. Not many nights or early mornings later, we would do the same. It was a 40-year conversation."

The first Gather!

The first Gather took place on Sunday, June 15th at Total Wine Bar in Brooklyn, where we addressed "commitment". Our panelists included Amy Todd and Jaime Gher- a lovely couple who were planning on getting hitched in California (and are currenly married thank you very much), Peg Martin- a Justice of the Peace from Vermont, and Ora Wise- who candidly talked about being in an open relationship.

Each woman brought something to the table about what they thought commitment meant, whether sanctioned by the state or the heart (or both!). Statistics and laws aside, we each make a personal choice about the way we form partnerships, and the meaning we attach to those partnerships.

The lesbian community has a unique opportunity here...while the law and social norms twist and turn before our eyes, we get to develop our own set of norms about commitment, marriage, and relationships.